Three's a Crowd

Anita sat in front of me, as I told her about her husband Paul and me. While at lunch one summer

day. I had to tell her because the fear of making Paul and his whole family sick from a strange

disease that had no cure.



Anita: I ordered a tuna melt and it was delicious. After a couple of bites, he spoke the words and I 


lost all taste for the sandwich or anything else. 


It was as though I was kicked so hard in the stomach that I began to spin and float above all reason. 


My thoughts spun with such vigor that at that moment, nothing made sense- not my life, and 


certainly not a reason to stay seated where I was.

Anita: I am not sure why I ever trusted Paul. Clearly his history spoke volumes. Perhaps it is 


something that came from being raised in incest- even if it was "closeted". 

This she said with knowledge that I didn't have. The only thing I heard from Paul's lip was, 

that his dad was not  a very easy man to understand.

Me: I had met Paul and Anita in the early eighties, while living with a group of gay men. One of 

which was Raymond, a country boy who looked like he pitched hay all day and had the body to show 

it. We met on my way to school on a bus that he was driving. A city bus full of people going to 

work, school, and who know where.

I sat in my seat not thinking about much but how my life would change when I graduated from

cosmetology school. While reading my text book I raised my head to reflect on an idea of how to create a hair style from the 1920s, and as I fix my thought on a roller set pattern, I see the bus driver looking at me through his rear view mirror.
What was this tough looking white man looking at?
Fear fell over my body like someone had thrown  ice cold water on my head and the chill of the dripping water reached my shoes, All of a sudden I see a smile appearing slowly in the eyes of the bus driver. He is clearly getting some strange thrill from seeing the fear on my face as I search for ways to avoid eye contact.
The bus came to a place on its route where we would stop and wait for another bus to arrive, so people who needed to transfer, could change buses.
My head was buried in my book and as I read I felt the warmth of a body standing over me. I looked down and saw two black boots with shiny metal buckles decorative chains that look like harnesses across the top of the boots that wrapped under the souls of the boots. What ever was going to happen next, I had imagined, would be terrible! Knocked out by some man that I had somehow offended.
I looked up and saw the squinting eyes that usually come with a big smile, and heard the words, " Did I see you at the Saloon last night?". The Saloon was a gay bar where many of the men wore  leather boots and chains and spikes on belts were not uncommon.
What relief he brought to me with that question. Yes! I said.
Were you there last night? I asked. He nodded his head in affirmation. He said that he would be there again that very night, and asked me if I would meet him there for a drink.
From where I sat I had a good view of the full length of his frame. From head to toe I looked for some sort of imperfection and to my joy, there was only a tall solid man wearing a uniform that was a little to small for him, which showed off things that left nothing to the imagination.

I was not sure that I could give him what he might be looking for.

About  a two years later I found myself living with Raymond in his upper duplex apartment.
Below us lived George and Jerry. A couple of men who had been in a relationship for a few years.
They were so funny and enjoyed making great food and drank a little, not to much, but enough to be silly as we all traded stories.
One story surrounded a guy named Paul who had had an affair with Jerry.
Jerry was in love with Paul, but Paul was not completely gay, and had fallen in love with a pretty young lady named Anita.
As we talked, a very good looking young man entered the kitchen where the four of us had been drinking a little hooch as Raymond called it.
Jerry noticed that my eyes were set on the young man who had come into the room. I remember seeing Paul for the first time and I was smitten!
A few days later George, Jerry, Raymond, and I had reconvened in Jerry's kitchen and Paul was the subject once again.
Jerry had come up with an idea that might redirect Paul from marching down the isle with Anita to marching in time with his gay friends.
Jerry thought that I would be successful at pulling Paul away from Anita.
At this point I had not yet met Anita, never thought that I would meet her nor even consider that we could be friends.

One hot summer day I had decided to wash my car in the parking area behind the duplex, and as I begin to wash my car I see Paul's van coming up the drive and parked a short distance from where I was washing my car.
Paul got out of his car and approached me asking if he could wash his van, and if we helped each other we could get the job done faster. I agreed.
While on the opposite side of my car from Paul a stream of water came over the car and got me pretty wet.
I asked Paul to be more careful, that he was getting me wet. He apologized and we went on with our cleaning the soil from my car.
Again another stream of water travels over my car and splashes me in my face. What are you doing? I yelled!
Paul come around the car and sprays me till I charged him and took the water hose from his hands.
He ran into the yard laughing as he ran. I didn't think about what happened next, but before I could stop myself I found myself laying on top of Paul wrestling him into submission.
I looked down at him as he stared up at me with his angelic face. Inviting me to do what I had thought about doing for months.
We did not proceed till many months after I had met Anita at there home where they had invited me to dinner.
Anita was very nice and we laughed a lot that evening, but I was confused on where I fit in the scheme of things.
Paul loved Anita. It was clear that she loved him, but what was happening between Paul and me.
I had never been involved with a bi-sexual man, and often thought that I could never be.

Later I got the feeling that Anita knew about Paul being bi-sexual, and had hopes that she could help him move away from that life style.
A few months later, maybe close to a year, Raymond had been arrested and taken to jail for having sex with men in public places.  Having left my ex-lover Julio in California after finding him in bed with another man, I felt betrayed by Raymond as well.
I left him to move into my own apartment.
Meanwhile Paul, Anita, and I became very close. Doing things together like picnics and rafting down the Apple River. Paul and I had our urges under control till Anita got pregnant and as Paul tells it, Anita was withholding sex from him.
He explained that he did not want to cheat on her with another woman, but he felt safe sharing his body with me because this would be only sex and after she felt like having sex again he would get back into the groove with his wife, and we would continue being friends.

Me: We felt the itch to have sex.  For me  it  would be  like playing 

a game  called  "sex". Who would  be first  to make  it  happen?

Both of us were interested  in how the game would commence!

If we both felt like we had won, we might want to play the game again.  We both won!

The more we played the game the more we explored ways to help each other  win.

The mutual aspect of both of us winning, created a bond that could be seen as loyal support 

and  and concern for the well being of the other.  It felt like love to me!

Anita: You said you loved each other, clearly that is more than an itch. Is there a way to 

describe man on man sex without being pornographic? What does the "itch" feel like?

Me: The itch led Paul and I to express our need to have significant and positive male 
influence in our lives respectively! 


Sex felt clean and pure as fresh as water from a mountain stream. We shared time as though  
it were rare as gold!

Paul did say that he loved me and he also loved his wife. He went on to explain that his 
love for me was for the person that he came to know. Someone who he could share 


friendship with, and not be obligated to anything, but sharing fun times when we chose to be 
together.



Yes! We had a type of love that was fun and secret! The secret brought us even closer 
together! 

In as much as we are taught that sex is a sin, what is intriguing is why it is sinful?

Could it be that the sweetness of sex is more intoxicating than power and fame, and the 

confusing nature of sex sways logic to favor the plans it takes to find it, and keep it!

We are animals with the knowledge of choice and how choice delivers consequence.  

We need  rules to govern our behavior. 

How can this powerful feeling be controlled?   

Well! Someone came up  the idea of "sin".

 Created to make men shutter in fear of going to hell! We are given pause to think 

about how careful we must be while trying to enjoy it. 

Sex complicates the most innocent intentions!

Then HIV tore into our  lives like  the mold  threatening  to  rot our sweet plentiful  


cornucopia!


Paul's intention to love and honor and care for his wife and child  ruined by  my  passed 


years of free love  and sex in the city that bred death by sex. 


I loved Anita like a sister. I loved her new born son as well!


I had to stop the game Paul and I had played so often an so well!




One day, one beautiful terrible day, I told  Paul to  stop coming to visit.  I  asked  him  to 


help us both  and his family by  going to the doctor to find out if I had infected him and 


possibly his family?


Imagine having been betrayed by someone you loved so dearly. A family member, a dear 


dear friend?  My poor confused friend heard my words. 


The look on his face ripped my heart to shreds!


The look of confusion was soon replaced by sadness, and tears welling up, but not leaving his 


eyes.


His words were words of a child pleading with his parent to love him. "Don't hurt me, please 


don't hurt me! What did I do ? Did I lie to you did I drink too much! What's wrong?' Tommy 


what's wrong?  I had told him everything I had come to fear, after my friends had gotten 


sick and died!


The family whose lives I had shared very dangerous parts of my sexual history with, might 


be saved? I had to stop seeing Paul, but he didn't believe me.


He demanded that I was lying, and that I had found someone else.


I collapsed against him, pleading with him to believe me!


The feeling of having him and loosing him created a passion so strong that we could not ignore the 


possibility that this could truly be the last time! Warmly, sweetly, and sadly, we maneuvered our 


way to the completion of our unique of love!


I'm going to tell Anita! He believed that he could return as he said" you can't stop, and I 


can't believe that you will tell Anita".


"You couldn't hurt her like that". He said.


The idea of doing it sickened me, but my purpose was to save lives, and I had tell her!

My intention was to save the lives of people that I loved, even though I was putting myself in danger 

of being reviled by my friends. It didn't matter, I was bent on making sure they knew what might 


be in store for them if they went to New York with no knowledge of what they may have been 


exposed to. 


Paul never understood why I did what I did, but Anita, even though she was angry at the whole 


situation did understand why I came to her with what was eating at me.


Luckily I was not exposed to HIV and in the end I didn't have to say anything to my friends, but I 


didn't know that then, I had to tell them.


I still have a friendship with Anita. She and Paul are not together any longer and she is very happily 


in love with a man who she trusts with all her heart 





The last time I talked to Paul was when he called me before He and Anita moved to New York with 


their child.


Still in disbelief he asked if I ever loved him? I said yes very much. Then he asked, if things didn't 


work out between Anita and himself, could he come back to me and I said yes!


I never heard from him again!


After sending  Anita the final draft of our story, she sent this reply, which speaks volumes on the 


importance of communication and trying to find ways to continue searching for ways to keep love in 


all our relationships!

My coffee is burning it's way down this morning. It does trigger some sickness in my belly as I read the words that trigger memories of those times and as questions begin to spin in my imagination, I am calmed by the reality of the present. Then again, I feel a peace surrounding it all. I never knew that you really  loved each other in such a way. 

I wonder what would have happened if I wasn't in the picture. Would it ever have happened and where would it have gone? Was the intrigue because of the secret or was it a love that could have lasted? There is a sweetness in the relationship that you describe and I am grateful that it was you he was with under those rather oblique circumstances. In the end, the one thing I know for sure is that you are both lovable, after all I loved you both. 


This is a true story!


Editor:
Anita


Story By:
Thomas Bruce

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